The second emotion in the chapter’s three-part framework of Chinese-specific feelings, 焦虑 (Jiāolǜ), explains why some outbursts have nothing to do with you — and everything to do with a persistent fear of something imagined and external.

Excerpt

焦虑 (Jiāolǜ) is a fear-driven anxiety of failure

焦虑 emotions emerge from:

• Persistent worry
• Nervousness or tension
• Fear of negative outcomes

Victims experience chest tightness, elevated heart rates, and extreme restlessness, fixated on “What if something goes wrong or what if I made a poor choice?”

At the center of this persistent worry is an inability to choose, with an obsession to compare all alternatives that provide some validation for one’s personal preferences. Progress grinds to a halt. The outcome is indecision that diverts accountability while creating plausible deniability. The person attempting to help is often thrust into a no-win situation.

During episodes of feeling 焦虑, there is a tendency to lash out at safe targets, usually a close friend or spouse. As a frequent recipient of these onslaughts from my Chinese wife, I’ve come to recognize her screams are from someone drowning in a sea of hyper-anxiety. She needs to be rescued, not advised and definitely not accused. This is not the time to assert your innocence. Now is the time to extend a Face-preserving off-ramp (台阶下), when your goodwill is amplified.

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This is an excerpt from PRESERVING FACE: Mastering the Timeless Art of Chinese Rhetorical Interactions, Chapter 10 of The Chinese Honeymoon Period — Updated & Revised Edition. Download the complete chapter, including the full glossary and quick-reference card, free at genejhsu.com/offramp.